Things You Didn't Want To Know
by lizandhenry
Summary: I know everyone has been posting their take on the Tamerlane/Face The Nation episodes. This is mine. Reviews are always appreciated. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Henry remembered the day he came home from Desert Storm like it was yesterday. It could have been a scene from a movie. Henry had stepped off the plane at Langley, looking like every bit the dashing, young American hero in his uniform. Among the crowd of family members, stood his new bride, whom he left just three months into their marriage for 2 years into active duty. He instantly picked her out of the crowd, she was the most beautiful woman there, more beautiful than when he'd left her.

She'd been standing on her tip toes, her eyes scanning the sea of returning marines for her husband. The second she spotted him he could she smiled the most gorgeous of smiles and began to cry as she ran toward him, her beautiful golden hair bouncing in the air. He smiled too, and opened his arms as he ran to meet her. He dropped his bag as she launched herself into his arms and he immediately scooped her up, twirling her in the air.

He'd set her down, looked into her crystal blue eyes and bent to capture her lips with his. They hungerly kissed each for for what seemed like an eternity, trying to put 2 years worth of missed kisses into a single moment. "Elizabeth…"

"Henry…god I missed you." she whispered, "Don't ever leave me again."

"Never, I missed you way too much Mrs. McCord." he said, rubbing her hip.

They'd gone home and made love all night. She tenderly ran her fingers over his few scars, noticing them instantly - checking his eyes to make sure he was okay. Of course she knew he was injured from his letters, but this was the first evidence she saw of his war injuries. 3 small scars: one a bullet wound that left a small scar on on his thigh, a scar on his chest and his arm, one from a burn, one from a piece of metal . "Henry, I've heard most marines don't like to talk about the things they saw, and I know I wasn't there so I can't fully understand, but if you need to talk, i'm more than happy to listen." she offered in the most gentle voice.

He smiled at her, god how he loved this woman. Running his finger across her cheek he answered her quietly, "I had to face things I never wanted to know. But I'm okay sweetheart. Being back home with you, is all I need." And it was the truth. He didn't want her to know about what he saw, he didn't want her carrying the burden of war too. She'd sacrificed enough, letting him go for 2 years, leaving her to care for their apartment alone while finishing school. Although some of the memories were painful, he had come to terms with it. Being back at home with her instantly made him feel whole again.

****Madam Secretary**********

When she first told him about the Iran trip he immediately said no. He tried to reason with her, reminding her of the radicals who would love nothing more than to kill her. He was all for supporting her but he didn't want her heading into a dangerous situation in the most volatile part of the world. He knew his wife was more than capable of taking care of herself, she was tougher than one would think, but she certainly was not a trained marine or had ever been prepared for an ambush, let alone a coup .

But she'd been insistent and he knew he couldn't change her mind. While he understood and admired her reasons, his heart felt differently - she was his wife and he didn't want her in harms way.

He hoped and prayed for her safe return as he held her sleeping form in his arms that night. The next morning he got the distinct impression that _she _knew that something bad was going to happen as he watched the way she hugged the children goodbye. He had the same sinking feeling, and yet he couldn't stop her. They couldn't manage a goodbye to one another. He danced around the subject, telling her how amazing the previous night had been. She brought up Juliet and rambled on about being righteous before she kissed him hard through her tears and ran out the door saying, "See you in a few days."

He watched her go, a knowing expression on his face. He dipped his head low before returning to the kitchen, saying a silent prayer that he would in fact see her in a few days, as she'd said.

It had been tough to keep it together, Stevie and Alison both noticed the change in his demeanor. When she called that morning to wish Alison a happy birthday, he couldn't help but notice the tone of her voice. Even though she tried to make the conversation light with the chef dad apron reference, he could tell she was upset for some reason. She never normally said "I miss you." during a work trip. He wanted to say, "Then come back, come back right now, you don't have to do this," but instead he just told her he loved her. He briefly wondered if it was the last time she would hear it.

Later that day he'd been playing chess with Alison when the news of the attempted coup went up online and he instantly knew something had gone wrong. He couldn't show it in front of the kids, so he made an excuse after the phone rang and chewed out the first person he came in contact with - the President.

His girls were smart, like their mother and Stevie called him on the carpet about her being in Iran. He had to tell them he didn't know if she was okay and it nearly broke him. So they huddled in their bed together, waiting for the phone to ring. Part of him was afraid for the call, what if it was bad news? The longer he waited, the more hopeless he felt, yet at the same time, if the phone didn't ring he still _had _hope.

He had never been more relieved than when the President himself had called to tell him she was alive. He mentioned something about an explosion, and some minor injuries but all he heard was "She's on her way home." He told the girls and they cried in happiness, and he just cried. The girls didn't understand his tears; they kept shaking him, trying to cheer him up, but he just sobbed.

The next morning, she was due back. He wasn't quite sure why, but he'd expected her to run in the front door and jump into his arms, just as she had done so many years ago. But the person that walked through the door was not who he expected. The person that had walked in the door was a shadow of Elizabeth. This Elizabeth had shown physical signs of defeat and exhaustion. He was okay with that, he expected it based on what he saw on TV and had heard from Conrad. What he wasn't okay with and wasn't expecting was the the haunted look in her eyes. It was a look he'd never seen there before. The first thing he did was wrap her in his arms and whispered in her ear how much he loved her. But she didn't reply, and her hug back to him was almost non-existent. He hadn't expected that either, and it scared him even more.

She quickly pulled out of his embrace as the kids came running in smiling and nearly pushed her over as they all hugged her at the same time. He noticed she put on a good face for them, mustering up the best smile she could. But something was wrong.

He was standing, smiling a sad smile as he observed the interaction between Elizabeth and the children when Fred stepped into the house with her suitcase.

Henry turned to shake his hand. "Glad you're okay Fred." he said honestly. "And thank you…"he paused, swallowing the lump in his throat, "...for bringing her back to me." The only part that made Henry feel remotely ok about this trip was that Fred was accompanying her. He knew Fred truly cared about Elizabeth. She was more than his assignment.

Fred nodded, he had an unspoken understanding with Dr. McCord in regards to Elizabeth. As Fred returned his handshake, he slipped Henry 2 pill bottles. "Please make sure sure she takes her medicine." Fred said quietly, clearly worried about her.

Henry discreetly slipped the pills in his pocket after reading the labels. One was an antibiotic, the other a sleeping pill. "She has 27 stitches in her back sir." Fred said quietly, "Piece of glass from the explosion….She hasn't slept or ate since...well, since I picked her up yesterday morning. She's not herself sir."

Henry's eyes welled, and he quickly blinked back the tears as he held Fred's gaze. _What the hell happened in the 36 hours_?

After a few minutes Henry motioned the children away from her and wrapped his arm around Elizabeth's shoulder, walking her to the couch. "Come on guys, let mom sit down and rest okay." he encouraged.

They obeyed, staying a few steps back as they followed their parents to the living room. Before Elizabeth sat down Henry pushed her coat down her shoulders, handing it to Alison to hang up. "You must be starving." he said, facing her.

She shrugged her shoulders, speaking in a barely audible voice. "Mostly tired."

"Stevie, bring mom some cereal or something." Henry instructed before sitting beside her on the couch and motioning Jason &amp; Alison to leave. "Okay sweetheart, i'll take a nap with you later. Why don't we just sit and unwind for a minute." he whispered to her, gently pulling her into his arms.

She laid her head on his chest and let her eyes slip shut, so grateful to be home, so safe in his arms. Henry kissed her head, whispering random sweet nothings in her ear, unsure of what she needed to hear at the moment. "Baby, I'm so happy you are home….I missed you like crazy….love you so much….it will all be okay….you're safe now."

Just as she was starting to relax a bit, Henry moved his hands to his favorite spot near her hip and started to rub. She immediately pushed him away with a hiss, moving to the other side of the couch.

Henry looked dumfounded. "Baby, I'm sorry...what…" he asked slowly scooting closer to her. She said nothing, but looked at him, breathing heavy, unshed tears in her eyes. She dipped her head just slightly, and fingered the edge of her sweater. He picked up on the subtle hint and carefully lifted her sweater, those 27 horrible stitches coming into his view for the first time and it crushed him, it was right in his favorite spot to touch her and one of her favorite places to be touched. Her skin surrounding the stitches was puffy and bruised, probably even burned to some extent - it had probably felt very tender or raw. He'd hurt her by putting pressure there with his hand. He briefly wondered if there were any other injuries he'd yet to find.

Stevie walked in that exact moment with the bowl of rice krispies topped with a cut up banana for her mother and a glass of juice. She observed the tension between her parents and set the food on the coffee table before walking away with a sad look on her face - she'd seen the stitches too.

Henry nodded his thanks to his eldest daughter for bringing the food and she smiled sadly back. "Come on guys - mom and dad need to be alone for a while." she told her brother and sister, who were hovering in the hallway, as she walked back in the kitchen.

"Elizabeth, sweetheart, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'll be gentle while it heals okay." he whispered, putting her sweater back in place and kneeling in front of her.

She offered a small smile and nodded, accepting his apology. She patted the couch indicating she wanted him to sit beside her. He moved to do so, grabbing the cereal bowl in the process.

He wrapped his arm around her shoulder as she leaned into him and surprisingly took the cereal from his hand.

Her hands shook slightly as she lifted a spoonful to her mouth, chewing slowly. She repeated the movement until the cereal was nearly gone. It shocked him, but he was pleased she'd eaten something. He knew you needed food in your system with antibiotics. After seeing the size of the wound he also realized the need for the pills, to prevent an infection.

As she set the bowl down and reached for the juice he thought he would try an experiment. He reached into his pocket and set the bottle of antibiotics on the table, wondering if she would take one on her own.

She paused, after one sip of the juice and sighed loudly, holding her hand out - clearly not wanting the pill but complying nonetheless. He opened the cap and poured one tablet into her hand.

She gulped down the pill and a few more sips of juice before rising and heading for the stairs. "I'm going to bed." she announced quietly, rubbing her temples.

He grabbed her fingers as she walked away, "Want me to come lay down with you?" he asked, treading lightly. She was acting differently than he had ever seen her act, almost unresponsive in a way and it frightened him. He wanted to lay with her and hold her, but certainly didn't want to overwhelm or frighten her in any way.

She gave him the smallest smile and nod in response to his question, he'd almost missed it. He quickly got up and followed her to their bedroom.

She wanted to crawl in bed immediately, but Henry stopped her, encouraging her to change into her pajamas. She obediently lifted her arms, allowing him to remove her sweater. She shivered when it was off, and Henry immediately focused his attention on the bandages on her arms. He touched the edge of the bandage with his finger, searching her eyes. "It's nothing." she whispered as he surveyed the rest of her upper body for additional injuries. Happy he didn't find anything else, he put one of his oversized Georgetown sweaters over her head.

She then stepped out of her shoes, unzipping her dress pants and slipping into a pair of cotton pajama pants before crawling into bed. Henry stripped down to his boxers and undershirt before getting in bed after her.

He laid on his back, and she immediately snuggled up to him. He wrapped his arms around her tight, kissing her forehead. He noticed she trembled and then felt her silent tears on his chest. "Shhh….you're okay now sweetheart. Just sleep okay" he encouraged, kissing her forehead.

She stopped crying after a few minutes and looked up into his eyes. He read her expression and leaned down and very gently brushed her lips against hers. She kissed him back this time and he took it as a good sign.

After the kiss ended, he looked into her eyes, "Do you want to tell me about it?"

"Not yet." she breathed, shaking her head.

He kissed her again, very tenderly. "Okay." he whispered. "I know I wasn't there, but Elizabeth, I'm ready to listen whenever you're ready to talk about it." he assured her, offering a version of her own promise to him when he returned from the war.

"Henry, I had to face things I didn't even want to know." she said, her voice low and almost haunting; repeating the sentiment he had expressed to her upon coming home from war. The expression had stuck with them both since Desert Storm. She'd previously used it to justify her actions in Iraq to Stevie, which ultimately led her to leave the CIA.

It usually took her a few days to gather her thoughts on a sensitive event, like George's death, before she was ready to talk so he wasn't completely surprised she didn't want to talk about it immediately. Yet, the tone in her voice and her behavior since she'd walked in the door scared him. Whatever had happened clearly shook her to her core. It made him wonder if she would ever talk to him about it. Would he ever really know what happened in Iran? Even though he hadn't been there the events in Iran were causing him to also face something he didn't want to know - the haunting pain in his wife's eyes.

As she drifted into an exhausted sleep, Henry held her tight, praying his love would be enough to see her through - just as her love was enough to get him through Desert Storm.

_A/N: I know some of you will be mad that I letting Fred live...but I just love him so much, he had to live! We'll all just pretend he was wearing a bullet proof vest in Iran (I mean seriously why was he not?) _


	2. Chapter 2

After that first night home when Elizabeth slept for 18 hours straight until the next morning; she'd barely slept a wink since.

She and Henry had attended funerals for the secret service agents who died in Iran and after that she busied herself in work. She would snuggle with Henry in silence until he fell asleep, then roll to her side of the bed and stare at the alarm clock, or lie awake attempting drown out imaginary bombings that went off in her mind.

At 6am she slammed her hand on the alarm clock and got up instantly, leaving Henry confused in bed. He came downstairs after getting ready and saw her watching Jason play a video game, her hands bunched in fists. He knew something was wrong and asked her point blank, gently touching her arm. "You okay? You've been going non-stop since you got home from Iran."

"I'm fine, just a little jet-lagged. Promise." she said. He didn't buy it but let it go, watching her walk to the kitchen to fill her coffee cup.

Henry tried again, asking if she'd like to spend the morning together before their appointment at Jason's new school, but she said she had meetings and walked out the door without a kiss or hug goodbye to anyone.

It was at that moment when he had begun to wonder if she was suffering from PTSD. She'd yet to tell him what happened in Iran, hadn't cried as far as he was aware since the first day home, and hadn't slept either.

When he met her at Jason's school, she seemed okay until the end of the meeting when she insisted upon having a security detail for her son. He didn't know she'd noticed the words "active shooter drill" on the back wall.

"You want to tell me what's going on?" he asked as they walked down the hallway, trying to calm her by touching her arm.

"Just what I said, I think Jason needs extra security." she repeated, shrugging off his arm and slightly raising her tone

"Well the threat assessment guys at DS don't think he does." Henry reminded

"Well I'm their boss." she countered, a fire in her eyes

"Not when it comes to assigning security detail you are not. Besides, you said you wanted Jason to have as normal a school experience as possible." Henry tried again to reason with her calmly, knowing Jason's security was not the true issue at hand.

"I'm fourth in line for the Presidency. He doesn't get to be a normal child." she said, tears forming in her eyes. He couldn't believe her words. _He doesn't get to be a normal child. _

"Okay. Is this about what happened in Iran?

"No." she breathed, looking away, blinking back the tears.

"Because if you want to talk to me than please...talk to me." he begged, reaching out for her arms, trying to help her.

"Why can't you just back me up on this?" she almost shouted, quickly looking down after she realized her tone.

Henry observed her for a moment, biting her lip, looking lost, not even able to look him in the eye for more than a few seconds at a time.

"Okay…" he he finally agreed, not wanting to upset her more. _Why won't she talk to me? Why won't she let me help her?_ "I'll call diplomatic security and have them send me a few candidates. How's that?" he offered

At that moment she finally looked back up at him. He could still see the unshed tears in her eyes and the unwarranted fear for Jason. "Thank you." she said, before looking down again, almost embarrassed. She looked up again, the strangest expression on her face, somewhat unsure of herself. "I have to get back to work so I'll see you tonight." she managed a small, grateful smile then turned and walked away again without a kiss or hug. He was left dumbfounded in the hallway, feeling as though she was slipping away from him.

_What the hell happened in Iran? _

Later that afternoon Henry interviewed a couple of the candidates for Jason's security. But instead of asking tons questions about how they could protect his son, he asked questions about PTSD. He'd known some guys when he was in the marines that suffered, but it had been 20 years.

_Not able to sleep, flashbacks, hyper vigilant, on edge, snapping at a moment's notice_.

Kevin had unknowing described Elizabeth's behavior the past 3 days to a tea. How was he going to get help for her when she wouldn't even talk to him? If he set up counseling for her without her knowledge, she'd be furious. He quickly realized there wasn't anything he could do except go along with whatever she said and accept her moods until she was ready to talk. He wanted to march down to her office, grab her shoulders and demand she talk to him, demand she let it out. But he couldn't. Instead, he spent the remainder of the day researching PTSD to mentally prepare himself for what was to come and make sure he was armed with the best ways to try and help her.

******MS******

The next morning they introduced Kevin &amp; Jason. Jason of course threw a fit and Henry agreed with every point Jason argued for, but he had to support Elizabeth. Biting his tongue,he told Jason to get his stuff and go, much to his son's displeasure.

Jason huffed as Elizabeth said. "I love you." to him, staring down to her coffee.

He'd supported her in front of Jason, but now that they were alone, he thought he would try again to get her to open up. He would try everyday until he succeeded. "Well he's right babe, it isn't fair." he said as lightly as he could, even smiling.

"Life isn't fair." she argued back.

"In this house it is." he reminded her.

"I knew you would make me the bad buy." she sighed. "And you had to go pick the biggest guy, just to push Jason's buttons." she added.

"Okay look, I know that you have been though a lot and you don't wanna talk about it." he told her gently, moving to stand next to her at the coffee maker.

"Don't psychoanalyze me." she whispered

_Don't psychoanalyze me. _That phrase hurt Henry, she'd never said things like that to him. "But maybe that's behind your sudden obsession with Jason's security." he pushed as gently as he could, despite being hurt.

"And don't condescend me, Henry." she spat back.

_Don't condescend me_. Now he was mad. No matter what they didn't fight unfairly, they didn't attack each other. Deep down he understood and knew she didn't mean it. But his anger, not anger at her, but anger for what Iran had _done _to her got the better of him and he called her out. "We don't talk to each other that way."

"If you had seen what I have seen, you would want him to have protection too." she said, the tears forming again that she desperately fought against.

_Tell me babe! What did you see? What made you think Jason is unsafe? _"He doesn't need it!" he insisted. "So either we keep our word and let him go to school without security or he stays home."

"Oh so it's okay for you not to fight fair..is that what this…."

"On this one yes. We're not going to let you issues…" he said, immediately regretting it.

"My issues!" she screamed, cutting him off. "What are my issues?!"

"Are you ready to talk?" he demanded. "Let's talk!"

They eyed one another for a moment, silently battling, before she scrunched her nose and said. "Fine, you win. I don't have time for this." and stomped out the door.

Henry instantly felt guilty for pushing her, for upsetting her, for fighting her. He knew she didn't mean anything she said. He was angry at himself for not controlling his emotions, knowing she couldn't control hers right now.

***MS****

Following their fight that morning he texted her to apologize and offered to meet her for lunch to tell her in person how sorry he was. When she didn't respond to his texts, he was worried and called the office. She never ignored his texts..

"Ma'm, your husband is on the phone. He would like to know if he can take you to lunch." Blake said, trying to catch her as she walked by with Nadine, waving the phone at her

Nadine smiled at this, maybe lunch with Henry would cheer her up - it always did. "Ma'm, I can wait in my office if you want to take that call first." Nadine encouraged.

"Tell him I can't have lunch today." she said somberly, raising her hand in protest of the phone, refusing the call, and continued walking down the hallway.

Nadine and Blake shared a nervous glance before Nadine walked quickly to catch up to her on their way to the conference room, she never refused a phone call from her husband before.

"I'm so sorry Dr. McCord, she said she can't make it today. I can clear her schedule at lunch tomorrow if you…" Blake said into the phone, shocked those words were leaving his mouth.

"No, that's okay. Thank you though." Henry said, clearly defeated. "Blake, can I ask you something?"

"Of course you may."

"How has Elizabeth been at the office? She seem okay to you?"

"Um…" Blake said, unsure of how to answer. "Truthfully Dr. McCord, Nadine &amp; I are worried about her. The other day she snapped at Daisy - granted she totally deserved it, but it just wasn't like her to go off on her in front of others. And in prep for Face the Nation, when Matt asked her to tell him about the day Minister Javani died, she froze. Her hands were shaking, she was staring off into space and, well, I think she threw up in the bathroom after….and this morning in our status meeting, I could have sworn she was almost asleep in her chair."

Blake heard Henry let out a deep breath on the phone. _Snapping at people, throwing up in the bathroom, blanking out. Dear god, what happened in Iran? _ "Thank you Blake. Please don't tell her I asked okay?"

"Of course not sir. I trust you are taking good care of her."

"I'm trying Blake. She's not making it easy. If you wouldn't mind - can you let me know if she has anymore outbursts? And please know this, she doesn't mean it. She's just….having a hard time."

"I know. We all understand, well everyone but Daisy it seems. But that's….just please let me know if there's anything we can do to help." Blake assured him.

She'd worked late that night, or rather hid out at the office as long as she could. Henry had stayed up til midnight waiting for her before finally giving up and going to bed. She was hiding from him, pulling away and he didn't like it one bit.

He awoke at 3:30am, expecting to find her at least lying in bed next to him pretending to sleep. But she wasn't, he was immediately worried- he knew she wouldn't be working this late unless she was at the White House. Then he heard a noise. He rose and padded down the stairs seeing that video game on the television. He was getting ready to yell at Jason for not being in bed, but he discovered it was Elizabeth who was playing. _What the hell._

"Babe, what are you doing? I didn't even hear you come in."

"I'm not tired yet, so I thought I would unwind first." she said dryly.

"By playing a video game you never have shown any interest in before?" he asked, his eyes wide as he settled in beside her on the couch, prepared to sit with her all night if she wanted

"Yep."

He shook his head, contemplating what to do about this situation. He watched her play for a few minutes, she was doing relatively well for someone who never played it before. But he doubted that was the point. Maybe she felt better shooting at things, maybe it was her way of getting back at whoever was shooting at Javani? He wasn't sure, but he had to re-connect with her after their fight this morning, letting her know he was still there, ready and waiting for her to come to him.

"Babe, your Titan is ready." he told her, "Here, press this button." he said, trying to help her. Teaching her something was always a good way to re-connect.

"You play this game way more than you cop to." she said and he smirked. _Okay, a little dry jab - this is good. _

"Sorry I was such a bitch earlier." she said, not looking at him

"It's okay babe." he replied, forgiving her as he patted her knee.

"How was Jason's first day?" she asked

"It was fine. Everything's fine." he promised her

"No. It isn't."

_You're right, it's not fine. You are not fine. And you're scaring me. Coming from work after midnight and playing video games until 4am...you need sleep. _Henry knew is he verbally disagreed with her she might blow up at him. He didn't want to lie to her. Reaching his hand to her leg, he tried to comfort her as he settled in the couch and watched her fight terrorists on the TV screen.

_A/N: Probably only one more chapter - I'm almost done :)_


	3. Chapter 3

"Blake?" Henry asked, answering his phone.

"Dr. McCord it's your wife, she….the ambulance is on their way -"

"Ambulance?!" he exclaimed

"She was having trouble breathing, she thinks she's having a heart attack. She's conscious - you can meet her at George Washington.."

"I'm on the way." Henry said, rushing out the door and into the waiting car outside, his heart sinking. _She made it home from Iran only to have a heart attack a week later? Dear God, please let her be okay._

Upon arriving at the hospital he caught up with her gurney. She looked so fragile, so pale, so terrified. He immediately rubbed her shoulder and held her hand as they continued down the hall. "Elizabeth, it's okay sweetheart. I'm here, everything will be alright."

Henry sat beside her, his hand never leaving hers as they ran tests. It didn't take long to determine she didn't have a heart attack.

"It was most likely a panic attack." Dr. Travkin told them. Henry was relieved to find out her heart was in perfect health. The panic attack made perfect sense to him, and while he hated to see her suffer, a part of him was happy she'd broken down to this point. It would now force her to come clean about Iran, and let him help her.

As he sat down on her bed, the look on her face said it all. She knew she now had no choice but to face the music with Henry and she was terrified. "Navy Seals get this you know. You tougher than a Navy Seal?" he asked, rubbing her arm.

"Maybe like a really runty one." she joked, it was her first defense mechanism. He couldn't believe her, still resorting to a joke after being rushed to the hospital in an ambulance! Granted he did want to smile a little at her sarcasm, but he kept his face serious. Now was the time for her to take this seriously.

When he didn't laugh, she looked down, tears again forming in her eyes. "Okay." she breathed. "I think maybe I got a little more affected by Iran than I thought." she finally admitted.

_Finally! I know sweetheart, it's eating you up. It's eating me up watching you suffer in silence. Keep going Elizabeth, tell me everything. _"But it was one incident and it passed. And I'm fine." she reasoned.

_No. You are not fine! _"Look, I know you think you can tough this out, but guess what, you can't." he told her firmly, trying to make her understand the seriousness of this, and she looked away. "You have to get help now, before this gets worse."

"I can't just drop everything and take a spa day because I'm sad."

"Stop it! You don't need to drop everything, you just need to talk to someone." _And I'm right here. Please tell me. _

She looked away again, this time letting the tears fall. "I know…..I'm all messed up." she whispered, clearly ashamed, embarrassed or both. "One minute I'm fine, and then the next I'm furious, and the next I'm numb." she explained through her tears

"Considering what you have been though it's totally normal." he assured her

"Really? Because it feels totally crazy!" she said, unable to stop her tears. "But the truth is….I'm just not ready to talk about what happened yet."

He leaned in, taking her hand. "Okay." _At least it was a start_. "But you heard the doctor, yes? You need to take a few days off."

"I can't." she protested, concerned about her public image. "It would be whole thing…"

"So what. This is your health." he pushed, trying to make her see that work could wait. _The Presidents damage control efforts could wait. . _

"I hear you, I really do….but we're okay right?" she asked, wanting to make sure she hadn't pushed him too far.

"Yea." he whispered, wiping at her tears and meeting her for a kiss.

She nodded, her way of thanking him for putting up with her. "I'm sorry I have been screaming at you."

"It's totally good. It's fun. You're kind of sexy when you're angry." he promised, giving her a wink at the end. He kissed her once again and left to get Stevie.

While she visited with Stevie, Henry prevented Russell from coming in. He was pretty sure Russell picked up on the fact that she wasn't fine, and hoped he had enough heart to cut her some slack.

After being discharged, she went back to work, promising to just take this one meeting to prove to everyone she was okay, then she would take off the next day. Henry reluctantly agreed.

As soon as she entered her office she began to panic again, and locked the door and called Henry, breaking down in tears. "Henry, you were right...I don't think coming back today was such a good idea."

His heart broke hearing her sob, wishing he was there to hold her. "I'll be right there to pick you up." Now was not the time for I told you so. Maybe she had to figure it out for herself that she needed the next few days off more than she thought.

He called Nadine on the way and explained to him what happened and she promised to cover her meetings for the next few days.

Fred waited with her at the back entrance for Henry's car to pull up, to maintain some of her privacy. He noticed the traces of tears on her face and reached into his pocket for a tissue, handing it to her. "Thank you." she whispered, dabbing at her eyes.

Fred was the only one who truly understood. He was the only other one that was there. He'd been the one that saw her get thrown across the room by the blast. He'd been on top of her when she tried to reach out to Abdul. He was the one that prevented her from helping him. But the boy was behind the desk, he was okay - physically speaking. He had to keep her down, it was his job, his duty, his responsibility. He had a responsibility not only to her, but to her family. Unbeknownst to Elizabeth, he had promised Henry that he would always bring her back safely and he never intended on breaking that promise. This time, although he brought her back, she was worse for the wear and he felt guilty about it. Like he failed her. Failed him.

Since meeting the McCords, Fred made an effort to become a better husband to his wife and a better father to his children. Not that he was bad at either, and always thought he was happy. But when he observed the McCords, he realized how much *more* perfect life could be. He admired them and it hurt him now to see them both in such pain.

"You have to tell him what happened." Fred said gently, taking her tissue.

"But he has to this day not told me _everything _that happened in Desert Storm."

"It's different. He was a soldier. You are not. You need to tell him. You'll feel better once you do."

"Fred, I haven't told anyone!"

"I know you haven't. Do you think you can tell everyone on Face the Nation if you can't even tell your husband?" Fred asked in a soft voice, and she didn't have an answer. "Look m'am. I've been around a while, and I've never met two people more meant for each other than you. Can't you see you're hurting him by not telling him?"

"Don't push it Fred…" she said so quietly, she knew he was right - she was hurting Henry. And she hated it. But she didn't want to be reminded.

"I don't mean to over step." he assured her. "But when I first met you, Dr. McCord told me that you two are a team, a package deal. That you work through everything together. You can work through this too. I know you can."

"I know…I just…I do want to tell him." she said, "It's not Henry. It's me, I just, I can't even say it out loud." she confessed.

The car pulled up just then, so Fred said nothing more and opened the door to the backseat for her before he slid in the passenger side. Henry sat in the back seat, immediately folding her into his arms as she burst into tears. "I'm so sorry Henry. I should have listened to you." she cried

"It's okay, babe.." he assured her holding her tight the whole way home.

****MS******

That day at home had been challenging. She was so wound up; reeling from the embarrassment of her hospital visit and her general anxiety seemed to be more present because she couldn't use the diversion of work . She wanted to so badly to use this time with her husband to tell him everything and then maybe she could finally rest, finally relax. But she couldn't bring herself too, not yet. And she didn't know why.

She aimlessly walked around the house, randomly cleaning things. She tried reading her stack of magazines in the chaise in her bedroom, but it only occupied her for a few moments before she huffed and tossed it aside, unable to focus. She tried laying down on the couch and resting her eyes, hoping to fall asleep, but after a few minutes she would open her eyes and sit up.

"Okay, babe." Henry finally said, rising and walking over to their bar. He had been hovering all day, and he was getting exhausted just watching her, he had had enough. He poured her a large shot of whiskey and set it in front of her. "Maybe this will help you relax."

She stared at the shot, she didn't really want it but knew she needed to relax, so she picked up the glass and downed the amber liquid, grimacing slightly as it burned down her throat. After she downed it, Henry sat on the couch and pulled her to him, his hands going to work on her tense shoulders. She immediately melted into his touch, a shoulder massage got her every time. He didn't know why he didn't think of it before. "Just relax." he whispered in her ear. She elicted a few soft moans as her head fell back against his neck. "That's it…."

He'd moved from her shoulders and continued to massage her back, kneading her skin. When he reached her scar, he gently reached under her shirt, and ran his fingers over it. She did tense up momentarily when he ran his fingers near it. He needed to re-familarize himself with the spot. It still felt rigid and tender but he knew her skin would fuse and heal, and she'd have a scar. But he'd make sure to personally slather on scar cream daily until it faded almost to nothing, he wanted nothing marring his favorite spot, no reminders of that painful day. He needed to touch it everyday as it healed to see the progress, see her healing.

When her massage was over she finally felt relaxed and sighed against her husband, snuggling into him, finally resting her eyes. He was happy she'd finally found some peace and he closed his eyes too, relishing in their contact. He'd missed her body pressed against his the past week.

Then the doorbell rang. _Whoever has the nerve to show up here tonight and disturb her is going to get it. _Elizabeth groaned and Henry pushed her away. "I'll get it. I'll be right back. Promise." he said, not wanting this to pull her from her relaxed state.

He was surprised to find Russell Jackson at the door and was prepared to give him a piece e of his mind, but then he said, "I come in peace." It sounded like a joke, but for some reason the unusually kind look in Russell's eye told him that he was being sincere.

He opened the door to Russell and he stepped inside. Henry spoke in a low voice. "Look, if you upset her in away way, you better run. I just got her to calm down, she has been a wreck since she came home from the hospital."

"I'm on your side Henry, really. I know she's a bit fragile right now and I know I don't have the most welcoming personality, but right now I'm here for her. Not for the President."

Henry eyed the older man for a second, again surprised by the sincerity of Russell's tone. "I'll see if she wants to talk to you."

He left Russell in the kitchen while he went to the living room to see Elizabeth. "Who was at the door?"

"Russell." Henry said, sitting beside her. She rolled her eyes.

"He really wants to see you. Just go talk to him for a second." Henry encouraged her, even surprising himself.

If Russell Jackson was willing to tell her his story about PTSD, Elizabeth decided it was time to tell Henry about that day in Iran. He was her husband, her closest friend, he most trusted confident, so for the life of her she couldn't figure out why she hadn't been able to open up about what happened. If anyone truly would understand, it was Henry. He'd been in a war and he'd spent more than half of her life beside her. Maybe it was because she knew he didn't want her to go, didn't want her in danger, and she'd promised she'd be fine. But she'd come home shattered, anything but fine - at least emotionally. She felt like she'd broken a promise to him in a way and it stung.

She was nervous when she walked back into the living room so she asked Henry if he wanted to play video games with her, while she worked up the courage to tell him.

After a while into the game Henry finally asked very gently, "Do you want to tell me about it?"

She didn't look at him, but replied, "The guys on my detail died because I went to Iran."

_Okay I understand that she feels guilty about this, but that's their job. It's like being a soldier, you know there is danger. _"They died saving their country from a war. They died doing their duty." Henry pointed out

"And then there's Abdul." she breathed

"Javani's son, what about him?" Henry asked cautiously. No one had mentioned anything about Abdul before. What about Abdul?

"He was there." she said. "He was in the room too." _Now it's starting to make sense. _"I didn't tell you. I didn't tell anyone. Because I couldn't get to him." she managed to get out, biting her lip.

_Oh sweetheart! _Now he understood and his heart began to break for her. "I wanted to badly to get to protect him, or at least to keep him from seeing his father murdered in his own living room. But I couldn't. Fred was on top of me. How is that boy supposed to go on?"

Henry wanted to cry, to cry for her, for Abdul. But he blinked back his tears. _Of course he will go on. It will make him stronger. Now he can go on, because we aren't at war. He will grow up to admire his father for sacrificing for their country, for peace. It's not you fault. _

"We do all these horrible things to each other, and there are always, _always _kids in the middle." she continued. "Henry? What have I done to our sweet children?"

_What have I done to our sweet children? Oh Elizabeth! _He said nothing and accepted her into his arms as she finally broke down and cried. She sobbed for a long time and he thought about exactly what to say to her when she'd stopped. It all made sense now, Jason was her only son, her youngest. Now he understood why she wanted him to have extra security. She couldn't save Abdul from seeing his father murdered, so she wanted to make sure Jason was protected at all costs. But he couldn't see how she couldn't remember all the good things she had done to and for her children. For all the children of the world. He would have to remind her.

When her tears slowed, he pushed her back so he could look at her. With the most compassionate eyes, he gazed into hers as she sniffled, wiping at her tears. "What have you done to _our _sweet children?" he repeated softly, smiling. "Everything sweetheart - everything. You carried them in your stomach for 9 months, held them when they were babies, comforted them when they were sad, put band-aids on their cuts and took care of them when they were sick, cheered them on in their sports, praised every achievement…and _you _saved them all from a nuclear war. You saved all the children of the world from that threat, not just ours. My god Elizabeth, what have you _not _done for them?" he finished, pulling her close again and kissing her forehead. "Don't you see…what you did in Iran was incredible babe. No one else but you could have done it. It was very brave. I'm _very _proud of you."

As she sniffled again a small smile poked through. "Thank you for reminding me." she said so quietly he barely could hear it.

He smiled back at her warmly, wiping more of her tears. "I need to tell you something else." he whispered. "I know you feel guilty and sad right now. It's normal….I felt that way when I was in the war too. Guilty for living, when friends had died. Sad for all the destruction. Lost, wondering if what we were doing was helping the situation. But that's part of the training, so I recognized it, was able to deal with it. But I also talked to the counselor for a long time before I got on that plane to come home."

"Henry, you never told me - "she whispered, stunned.

"I know. You were so young. I couldn't burden you with that. The counselor told me the best thing I could do was go on living my life; for all those who couldn't. That eventually the bad memories would be replaced with better ones, and I'd think of it less everyday. It's true. The second I saw you that day at Langley, I knew I'd be okay. I know you feel like a mess right now, but as time goes on it will get better. And for the days and moments where it's not….I'll be here to hold you. I'm telling you this now, so you know that I do truly understand and can have proof that it will get better."

Elizabeth offered a tearful smile to her husband before pulling him to her, so grateful he'd finally told her something from the war and yet she felt so bad, he'd kept it inside all these years and she never knew the pain he had experienced. "I'm so sorry, Henry."

"It's okay now, hun. It really is. And it will be okay for you again too. It will always be a part of who you are, but you'll grow, you'll move on, and be stronger for it." he promised.

She snuggled back into his arms. "I do feel better having finally told you. I don't know why I couldn't before."

"See, progress." Henry joked, kissing her forehead.

"I guess I felt a little ashamed, for being so naive as to think I would come home unaffected, especially after I promised you I'd be fine. Also, how unprepared I was for what I was facing. An attack...seeing the destruction, the bodies hanging in the street, the screams and terror. I just shutdown…"

"There's nothing wrong with having hope. Maybe it was a bit messier than you imagined, but you still accomplished what you set out to do. And you _will _be fine. I'll make damn sure of that." Henry reminded.

Elizabeth smiled again, reaching up to brush her lips across his ever so gently. She'd missed him. When the kiss ended she whispered. "I love you."

"I love you too." he said quietly

*****MS******

In the coming weeks he'd been impressed with her progress. After telling him what happened she's truly slept all night and most of the nights that followed.

He'd watched her when she taped Face the Nation, incredibly calm and graceful. After he chewed out the President for pushing her on the show too soon, Henry informed him she was doing the show for herself, when she was ready - not for him, and any boost or help he received from it was just gravy. He wanted her to take the credit she deserved. And she did, being so humble and honest the entire way. After the show she'd confessed it had been therapeutic for her, to say it outloud again, and to have everything out in the open. No more hiding behind a facade. And now that everyone knew what she went through, what she saw, they hoped they would be be respectful of her as she healed. For the most part they were - especially Russell Jackson of all people.

She still had her moments of panic and anxiety, but she was learning how to calm herself at work, and Henry would soothe her when the nightmares came or if she got jumpy at home or while they were out. But she was slowly returning to her old self - new memories replacing the old ones. Her scar was healing, and he made sure to touch her there everyday, just as he always had, and everyday she flinched less and reciprocated his affection a little more.

On the weekend at the horse farm, she'd even flirted with him again, and although they'd been interrupted, he knew it was another good sign. She'd survived her first overseas trip since Iran with no panic attacks that week too.

And the following weekend at the horse farm, mad her previous weekend's agenda got derailed by Greece, Elizabeth entered her bedroom dressed in one of his favorite black silk slips. She slid into bed beside him, and he immediately tossed his book aside. "You know, this could be one of our last nights here on the farm…" she whispered seductively. "And you said we should pretend it's our last time more often…."

He grinned at her and pushed her onto her back, kissing her just as gently as he did that last night before Iran. When she smiled back up at him, he knew she'd be just fine and resumed kissing her. _There's the Elizabeth I know. _


End file.
